I've been up since 4am this morning, I very often have trouble staying asleep when I have a lot on my mind.
I have debated whether or not to write a post about how I'm feeling, mainly because I know there are so many woman out there who can't have children, have lost children or are going through a difficult pregnancy, but however my thought's & feelings might seem trivial I need to write it all down and make a start on working through it.
It took a long time to make a solid decision on trying for another baby after having Daisy, I changed my mind so many times, the biggest factor worrying me was my health.
I had developed gestational diabetes when pregnant with Daisy & it wasn't detected until 34 weeks meaning that I had to inject Insulin, which really isn't a pleasant experience, it also led to me having very little choice in having an induced labour which for me was my worst nightmare, I had been induced with my first pregnancy and it was unpleasant & I feel prologed the process of birth.
I also put on a lot of weight during my pregnancy with Daisy, I have been unable to shift any of that weight in the time since her birth & I knew this could pose a bigger risk during this pregnancy but sadly it just wasn't enough to spur me into action.
After having Daisy I took a huge downward dive mentally, I have had a very turbulent few years with lots of change & upheaval & I think it all finally took it's toll, I'm the sort of person who keeps things to myself I don't ask for help easily I suppose because I don't feel I deserve it really.
I made the decision to seek help from my GP in February this year & luckily I found a doctor who really understood how I felt, I took the decision to take medication as I really wanted to get better.
Over the following months I felt I was recovering and getting back on track, I had the head space to sort things out one at a time instead of trying to sort through the tangle of thoughts that clouded my mind on a daily basis.
In July Chris & I discussed trying for an another baby, even though I wasn't as fit as I hoped to be I decided to go ahead, things have happened really quickly for us. I stopped taking my medication as I felt that was best for the baby.
I do feel so grateful that I am pregnant & that my baby is healthy & growing well, the little movements that get stronger everyday remind me of that, but I have felt so ill for the last few months that I just can't wait for it to be over which is so sad as this will likely be my last pregnancy.
I suppose one of the biggest blocks in my way of enjoying this pregnancy is the barrage of appointments I have to attend, I have always been anxious of having to attend medical appointments, I find is really stressful even if it's just routine & I feel so silly about it.
I get so frustrated when every single appointment runs late, then I'm told I have to come back tomorrow or a few days later for something else. A part of my anxiety means that I don't like attending the appointments alone, which up until now hasn't been a problem as Chris has managed to finish work earlier to come with me.
Yesterday I had an appointment to see a consultant to discuss the actual birth as I have previously had a c-section, after waiting 50 minutes to see her, she informed me that I needed to start monitoring my bloods, because the appointment had run over so late the clinic I needed to go to for the kit was closed meaning I have to go back tomorrow, this might seem like no problem but when you suffer from anxiety this sort of thing pushes it through the roof.
I now have to get two buses across town, with Daisy on my own to collect the kit for testing my bloods, reading it looks so simple, like it's no problem but my anxious riddled brain is in overdrive.
I know I will do it, I will be fine afterwards but it's the lack of sleep & worry that gets to me beforehand.
I suppose I've wrote this blog post to make myself take a minute, break it down, to look at my silly fears & see they are unjustified, I know I can do this alone with nobody to hold my hand, I'm a 36 year old woman, I need to grow up & realise I need to be able to rely on myself.
I'm not writing this post for sympathy or judgement, just for myself really, to be completely honest about how I feel & hopefully find a way to feel better about it all.
So here are some things I am grateful
* I have three healthy children & a healthy baby growing inside me
* I can go to a clean, well equipped hospital for free whenever I need to
* My body can grow & nourish a baby safely
* I have a roof over my head & food in my fridge & cupboards
* I'm alive (most importantly)
It's hard to get perspective when you feel so anxious & lost but I'm trying and that's all I can do.